Lost It
by Sora Tsukino
Summary: Journal entries of Kaoru's last thoughts. Dark themes, possibly triggering, slight HikaKao later on.
1. Chapter 1

When did I start losing it? Well, I suppose I might never have had it. Had anything, really. Even my childhood, excuse me, _our_ childhood was void of normality. We were twins, I guess I should mention. You see, I must clarify these things in case anyone other than my brother should find this. Find me. But yes, twin brothers. Identical, with me as the younger. We shared everything. It was us vs them, and we kept that line very, very distinct. We never let anyone else in. Well, until them.

I won't mention them by name, as to hold true to discretion and privacy of those involved. But we were known as the host club. My brother and I, we were recruited by the founder of the group. Yes, we were good looking, which is quite the contrary to how I may appear now at the time of discovery. We were high class, excessively rich, and nothing was too good for us. Everything was ours for the taking.

We were flawless. All of us, from top to bottom. We ran this successful club together, what could go wrong? But then our fourth year students graduated. Then the next fourth years, and the next. All who were left were the original first years. Me, my brother, and a girl. The alumni visited occasionally, but eventually the club fell apart and disbanded. Without the founder and his energy, we never really felt like keeping the charade going, so we quit. And then us first years, now fourth years, graduated too. We grew up, moved out, moved on, grew apart.

At this point, I'm sure that we, my brother and I, were completely and utterly screwed up. Royally. These people were our first friends. The ones to take us from our 'us vs them' mentality and direct our energy towards becoming decent human beings instead of socially inconsiderate recluses. And now, they were gone.

You might be starting to create the idea in your mind that we became close siblings again, latching on to each other like we had before we joined the host club. But here's to crushing your dreams. We didn't. We split so far apart that I'm sure his new friends aren't even aware that he is a twin. I'm sure he's married, happy, something like that by now. He hasn't spoken to me in years.

But he's an adult now, and so am I. He's capable of his own actions and I don't have to run to him every time something goes wrong now. He's responsible, I'm responsible. But we aren't. Not as a pair. But that, my friend, is another story for another time and place.

 **I don't own Ouran. Please let me know what I can do to improve this story and future chapters, thanks! In other news, I'm trying out writing again.**

 **-Sora**


	2. Chapter 2

As I said before, he and I aren't responsible as a pair. We get in too much trouble. Even as kids, we were always running around, getting into something, pranking someone, breaking something. If something went wrong, we were the first criminal suspects. We would never behave, even after we were forced into counseling for our 'bad attitudes'. Maybe that's where things started to go wrong. After all, it's where everything was spilled out in to the open and emotions were realized and validated.

I wouldn't call us bad kids, though. Just... Irresponsible and immature, with a touch of apathy. But now that we've grown apart, he took the first two traits, and I ended up with the latter.

My brother, sure, he could make choices that made it seem like he didn't care. But I knew he did. He does care. I saw a change that started in his eyes, worked its way into his heart, and finally burrowed its way into his habits. When our maid left, the one who broke into our family's safe that I'm sure you've heard about, he was different. We thought she understood us, at least in some twisted, taboo way. When she took that chance of getting to know us, I think we honestly believed that she would be willing to risk something for us. Boy, we were wrong. He changed when she left. She broke a piece of his heart- I'm sure he was more attached to her than he realized at the time- and from that point on he put up a wall between himself and everyone else, including me.

It stayed that way for a while. We were close, of course, but there was always some unspoken boundary between the two of us, and we never brought up what happened with that maid again. I didn't want to make it awkward for him or bring up a bad memory. I think he blocked it out of his memory. All he probably knew was that he didn't want to get close to people- but he wasn't sure why.

He was still a difficult case to crack while we grew up, too. But, after joining the club, he opened up a little bit, especially to one person, who, as you must already know by now, will remain unnamed. But this person wasn't me. And I was hurt.

My brother makes choices that make it seem like he doesn't care. But if you look in his eyes, you can just see the amber emotion within that just begs to overflow. He cares, I know he does. It's me who doesn't, and that makes me the problem.

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 **Please let me know what you guys think! Since summer is here, I'll hopefully be able to keep up with this better, but... we'll see.**

 **-Sora**


End file.
